I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
