i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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