so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
