He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
