i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
