I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
