hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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