he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
