lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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