you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
