I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I didn't notice because vodka
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
