I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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