the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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