mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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