I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
