He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
