Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
