I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
