You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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