all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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