Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
