Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
