Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
