theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
