by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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