FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
