Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
