The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
