my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
