Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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