i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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