I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
