omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I smell like Dick and happiness
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
