im six kinds of drunk right now
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
