here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
