3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
