my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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