I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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