Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
