please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
