She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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