The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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