Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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