His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
