so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
