I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
