I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
