Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
