You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
