I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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